I want to share this piece of information before you start reading. This may be a trigger warning for some. I’m talking about when I was very depressed and battled suicidal thinking.
This is so hard to share. I’m not embarrassed anymore because as weird as it sounds it helps to know you aren’t alone. Obviously, I’m alive and doing much better today. I count my blessings multiple times a day now. I’m so incredibly grateful for this community, my faith, my family, and my friends and really thankful for my counselor.
What I’m going to share is going to be hard to read. I’m going to be 100% honest and raw like my blogs usually are but this one is different. I lost my faith in this battle. I could feel Satan’s “power” during this time. I literally didn’t care about people or anything during this time. I kept this stuff so close to me that only a few family members know/knew. It’s not a trust issue. I didn’t even tell friends. I was so embarrassed and shameful.
I’m a part of a bible study right now and recently I shared a piece of my story. It was hard and I could hear Satan whisper don’t share no one really cares and no one will relate to you. I actually had the thought of I shouldn’t share because what if I give someone an idea and they lose their life? Satan didn’t want me to share my story because God literally saved me and I’m here to share it. I’m here to raise awareness.
This week is Suicide Prevention Awareness Week. If sharing my story helps save one life I’m glad I spoke up. Please if you’re reading this I know you probably don’t believe this either but you are important. God made you on purpose for a purpose. There are many people out there in the world who love you. You matter. The world needs you. If you’re having any suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone. I’ll share a lot of resources and phone numbers at the bottom of this blog post.
I don’t want to get into all the details of what led up to my depression getting worse. There were just some things happening and it kept adding up. Then my stomach pain got worse and I was dealing with no answers and no diagnosis again. That literally broke me. I couldn’t deal with the exact process again.
I could no longer pretend everything was fine. It all hit me like a huge wave. The reality that my Dad was truly gone forever. That I’m going to be in pain for the rest of my life. That they can’t figure me out. Why did this all happen to me? Am I a bad person? Why can’t I get a grip on anything? What am I doing wrong?
I’m making everything worse for everyone around me. Everything and everyone would be better off without me. I can actually be free of all this pain if I just end it. No one will actually miss me.
I’m just going to say once you get into the deep of a depression it’s like your body just shuts down literally. I was sleeping any moment I could. It was my escape. When I was out in public I somehow smiled my way through and faked it everyday.
I told people I was good and I was happy. Even though every time I said that I would think I just want to die. I would dread conversations because I didn’t want to be talked into why I needed to live. When your brain is constantly going and thinking of ways to die and that what you’re doing doesn’t even matter. Plus you’re faking you’re happy every waking moment. You are so mentally and physically tired.
I remember the first night I ever had a suicidal thought I was so scared. I literally cried myself to sleep that night. I was done with feeling the physical pain of my chronic illnesses and done with out getting anywhere with a diagnosis. I felt I was such a failure. I had zero self worth.
The next morning I was planning on telling my Mom about what happened that night. I thought I would wait to tell her after work because I didn’t want to stress her out before work. We had just pulled out of the driveway and I just spilled it all out. I was terrified of having these thoughts. I said Mom I need help. And from there we started getting myself help.
Some ask how I was able to speak up and tell my Mom? Honestly that was all God. I don’t know how I did. I knew that people always said if they would have just told someone they may still be alive today. I was so scared I was having the thought to kill myself.
We had called some family members and a counseling service local to us. We set up my safety plan. For those that don’t know, a safety plan is basically what to do if you’re having suicidal thoughts. We wrote when I have thoughts to harm myself I can call these people. We had the hotline numbers on and family members that agreed to be apart of my safety plan.
I was able to stay home as long as I didn’t attempt suicide. I also couldn’t be home alone, I had to sleep in my mom’s room because I couldn’t be left alone at night. I would have to fall asleep first. There were nights when I would get such a strong urge to slip out and kill myself. Thankfully I never actually attempted and or was caught before even leaving the room. On days I didn’t work family and friends stayed home until my mom or sister got home from work.
There was a month or so where I literally couldn’t be left alone. I had to have someone monitor me. Yes that meant timing me in the bathroom. I would have to answer that I was doing ok. Also in order for me to be safely at home anything I could harm myself with was hidden downstairs. Which I can’t physically go down stair by myself so it was safe to be hidden. Belts and scarves were hidden. All sharp kitchen tools and utensils. Matches and candle lighters. Anything hot like a curling iron or straightener. Anything with a long cord or heavy cord. Razors were hidden. All the scissors were hidden and I also had no access to the keys to the cars.
As time went on and things kept being hidden my brain would think of something new and then we would have to hid that. We had to hide some cleaning things because I had the thought of if I drink this etc. My medications and all over the counter meds were hidden downstairs. Hammers and screwdrivers and nails were hidden. I’m sure I’m forgetting what else we all hid.
As I was talking to a dear family friend when I was in the thick of it, I felt like I was experiencing an out of body thing. I could see what was happening and my depressive thoughts. The “real” me was there but hidden down and suppressed. I couldn’t speak or stand up. I knew I wasn’t me but I couldn’t control it.
There were many late nights and nights of uncertainty. There were days where I just begged to die. At one point I had pretty much lost all of my faith. My family would pray for me but I didn’t really care. I prayed at the beginning for God to help me and for Him to help my pain. To me it never got answered so I stopped believing in the power He truly had. That’s when Satan stepped in and life got dark really fast.
I’ve heard people experience Satan and demons but I never had personally. I never would wish it on anyone. In counseling we had named my depression Satan because it really was.
That was the filter I had on my life. That I wasn’t worthy and that I wasn’t enough for anyone. I wasn’t smart enough or pretty enough. I wasn’t a good enough blogger. I wasn’t a good enough friend or helper. I made things worse. No one really liked me they just would lie to my face and say they did. I would be single forever because I was so ugly and who in the world would love me? It was my fault that my Dad died because I wasn’t outside when he passed and I could’ve gotten help sooner. (News flash even if he was on an operating table and they had a heart transplant right there for Dad he wouldn’t have made it). I was so dumb because I withdrew from college because it wasn’t my passion and I didn’t really enjoy it.
Satan was just consistently feeding me these lies and because I was so depressed I believed every single one. I didn’t have strength to fight it off.
Then after a lot of hard work at counseling and retraining my brain to think positively. It was then I realized God was answering my prayers the whole time. HE kept me alive every single day. He didn’t let Satan win. I had many people in my corner praying that it outweighed Satan.
I found my faith again through a lot of songs. I was surprised with cards through an awesome group of girls I’ve come to know. They sent me encouraging cards with verses shared on them. People started missing me on social media. I started seeing that I did have value in life and that I think I mattered.
I started praying again and as we worked harder on myself at counseling things started to fall in place. Here we are in September almost a whole year later. This feels so weird to say since my Dad is gone and I would trade anything to bring him back. But as of now September 10, 2020 I’m the best version of myself that I have ever been.
It took a lot of hard work and it was hard – trust me. I will share more later on what my counseling was like and how long it took me to get here to this day. We discovered some of my root problems had happened all the way in elementary school.
If you haven’t ever heard of Kevin Hines (the one who jumped off the golden gate bridge and survived) please take a minute to watch this video. My sister was the one who introduced me to his story. He was saying that as soon as his hand let go of the bridge he immediately regretted letting go. He didn’t want to die. Thankfully he survived and is here to share his story and struggles so we know we aren’t alone. He is saving lives. He said as he was either getting on or off the bus I can’t remember anyways he said if one person would’ve smiled at him he probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. Inside he was so hoping one person would look and smile.
It makes me so mad and sad how hard it is and how expensive it can be to get help for mental health in the United States. I had to wait for awhile to get in to be seen by a counselor and I was actively having suicidal thoughts. Trying different medications and messing around with dosing can be expensive. I hate how there is such a stigma around dealing with a mental health disorder.
Those with a chronic illness or illnesses can become suicidal. It’s a lot to deal with and a lot to process. You grieve the loss of a life you once dreamed. You’ve likely lost a lot. The mental impact that some doctor appointments can have on you is devastating.
If you’re having suicidal thoughts or are very depressed it’s not your fault. You aren’t a bad person. God still loves you. It’s ok to talk about this subject and be open. Together we can prevent suicide if we know the signs and or know it’s ok to ask for help.
I can tell you someone would much rather get a phone call at 3 a.m. saying hey I’m having suicidal thoughts right now – I need help, rather then someone telling you your friend died by suicide. Please reach out if you are hurting. If you see someone hurting or they’ve mentioned they’re struggling, help them. Don’t sit on it and pray it will just disappear. You need to find them help.
I don’t want sympathy from this blog post. I don’t want comments saying you’re enough or etc. Those were all real thoughts and feelings I had during my depression. We don’t need to downplay them and think it was wrong I was having those thoughts. It’s ok. I got help because I was having those thoughts.
I now am so much better. I can honestly sit here and tell you my faith has never been this strong and I constantly crave studying the word of God. I have so much self confidence that I’ve never had. I see my worth everyday. If I make a mistake I can shake it off now. I no longer sit and worry about if people are talking about me. As my counselor told me, tell Satan to sit down and watch me thrive.
Satan is always around but I choose love and God over him everyday now. He has taken a back seat. He tries to creep in anytime he wants. Somedays I still have a rough day. I’m not perfect I will have rough days.
I can tell you that I’m happy with my life. I’m smart. I’m beautiful in my own way. I matter. I add value to society. I am a child of God. God loves me no matter what. God has rescued me. God created me for a purpose.
I’ll share later on the process of what counseling looked like and all the things I carried on my shoulders.
I’m so grateful to be able to type to you that I’m here and alive and well. God won. Suicide lost. Satan lost.
You are worthy and don’t let anyone try and tell you that you aren’t worthy.
In bible study this verse was a part of our reading this week. I’ve read this verse before but it never carried so much power until now. This literally was what I did in my weakest moments. I laid still and God literally fought for me to be alive.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14 NIV
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
Text 24 hours- 741741 say “HOME” or “START” or “HELLO”
Website Resource- https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org