As most of us have been in quarantine for awhile now and now that some things are beginning to open again, it can be hard to not return to our Pre-COVID activities. The first month we were quarantined it didn’t make me feel crazy, because I was sick with what my doctor suspected was COVID-19. I’m just waiting on the antibody test to come to this area so we can know for sure. Anyways, all I cared about was staying in bed and sleeping. So, in the middle of April after I was done quarantining, it felt good to have some energy back.
It has really sunk in the last few weeks that things just aren’t ‘normal’. I miss the kids and my wonderful co-workers. I miss going to the store and shopping for fun, and running into someone you know. I’m thinking about all the fun end of the year activities at school. Being a para I got to help with field day and I always enjoyed that time with the kiddos. It’s hard. Then naturally we think forward to next year. So I began thinking: “Will I see them next year? Will I work next year? Will we even go to school?” I try to remind myself of my circle of control. I can’t control anything about that and I obviously want everyone to be safe and healthy. It’s so hard. I had no idea that day would be my “last day of the year”. It was like the rug was just pulled right out under you.
Work has given me so much purpose in my life. I love working with kids and seeing them learn new things. I love making connections and school is my social outing. It’s so important to me. When that was essentially taken away, it has been hard. I have a lot of trouble waking up in the morning because it’s the same thing day after day. We try to do fun things but it can get hard. I had a routine I was sticking to which helped me a lot. The past 2 weeks I’ve been in one of the worst flare-ups I can remember, so I’ve truly been in bed in pain and so exhausted that I sleep a lot.
I’m trying to find my purpose right now in this time. I can still blog and I still have social media as an outlet. I try to share positive and fun things because I always try to find the joy in each day. My counselor has been helping me. I have found time to spend with God every day. In the morning I don’t check my phone, first I do devotions and pray. I read a devotion or journal or something after lunch, and before bed I read a chapter of Psalms. I’ve also had time to be a bit more creative. I’ve been using the app ProCreate and I’ve been able to doodle some fun things and share those! I’ve gotten to Facetime some of my family members and that has helped so much. I’m so grateful to live with my Mom and sister because I’m not alone. They give me so much support and have been so helpful! Right now I feel like my purpose is to literally share my story with others and talk even more about my faith with God.
I have been doing a lot better mentally, but the last 2 weeks have been really hard. I think I’m harder on myself because this is the first major setback I’ve had. I feel like I can’t really admit I’m having a hard time because I’m supposed to be better. The truth is, I need to talk about it and let my family and counselor know. I know hiding things is a very bad habit. We have talked about the fact that even though I’m improving so much, it’s ok if I go backwards because it’s just like a roller coaster. It’s not like you flip a switch and you don’t ever get really depressed again.
I remind myself that we are safe at home and that this is temporary, even though it feels like it’s been going on forever and we can’t see when it will get all better. I can change my mood in a day. There are days that I break down and cry because I miss the normal. It’s okay to feel sad and grieve what we’ve lost right now, and it’s okay to feel happy.
“When you go through deep waters I will be with you.” – Isaiah 43:2