I wish I would’ve
I wish I would’ve known that was my last day at school
I wish I would’ve known that was my last time in a store for awhile
I wish I would’ve known those would be the last basketball games for the season
I wish I would’ve known that it’s going to be awhile till we go out to eat on Friday’s with friends
I wish I could go back and savor those moments
All this wishing made me realize we should be present and always savoring the moment. Ever since Dad died in 2013 I know to live my life like tomorrow could be my last; leave every conversation with kindness. I know life is so precious. Why was I so caught up in get to town go to store come home? I realized on the way home from all places Chick-Fil-A. Why I was having so many wishes that I could go back and be more present and enjoy the moments longer.
Moving forward I know I will put my phone down more and I may even leave it at home sometimes. Usually in the wheelchair out in town I kind of keep my head down because people stare at me and it becomes awkward and because I’m embarrassed sometimes. Forget that. I will be lifting my head enjoying seeing people. This world is so caught up in fast fast go go go that we really forget to live in that moment. I was sick for basically the first month of quarantine and didn’t feel good enough to go anywhere. Now I’m 2 weeks “free” and I’m not going crazy. I have good and bad days. During quarantine I’ve put my phone down more and enjoyed reading a book. spending time with God, family time. Truly focusing on these moments. I’m not saying social media is bad. I love it because it lets me make great friends and I can raise awareness and so many other things. I just get caught up in it. This quarantine has made me look at my life. I joined the bible study that Payton (Casual Friday KY) is leading. It’s Rhythms of Renewal by Rebekah Lyons. I’m also reading the book along with the study guide we do for bible study. For a long time I’ve wanted to make more time for God. I wanted to do devotions in the mornings but I didn’t wake up in time. This study has made me truly look at every aspect of my life. My purpose on this earth is to serve Him so shouldn’t God be my top priority. It always is in my mind but I started looking at how little I spend time in silence with him.
The changes I’ve seen in just 2 weeks is incredible. I start everyday with devotions and reading Psalms Now then I journal or doodle something whether it’s a bible verse or a word then I do a quick yoga stretching and then I eat breakfast then I pick up my phone. Then I sit down and I pray. Every prayer I end with “God let me be your servant help me serve others and help me spread the word about you. I love you God.” It was really awkward at first but guess what it’s time with God! He created us for a purpose. If God has always been my top priority why wasn’t I acting like it? I schedule time for God. I put the time down so I can see it and I won’t ignore it especially now. Everyday I’m craving for these moments. I have another time in the afternoon where I spend time with my bible study guide or read more chapters in the book and fill out a journal pause and reset. It makes you evaluate your day good and bad and how you want to move forward. I end the night with prayers and a thank you for letting me serve You.
Now my days are filled with joy and purpose. I didn’t know what my purpose was a few months ago (I’m blogging about that next week). I can’t wait for another day to serve Him. I don’t feel like I’ve wasted days away. I’ve also put a lot of hard work and lot’s of work in counseling to get to this point again.
I’m not saying the only way to get through this pandemic is to put all your faith in God and you will be fine, no it doesn’t work that way. Do I get scared and anxious? Yes. Do I fear what the future will look like when we will go back to normal? Yes. I can literally hand my fears to God it’s much easier said than done. God is here even in our darkest days.
I’m sad about this pandemic and what it’s doing and lives being torn apart and business struggling. They say we obviously will remember this time. Some days are so good and some days are hard to get through. I wish this pandemic hadn’t happened. One thing remains this pandemic has turned my life around it forced me to look at my life and realize what I was lacking so much of. I will remember this pandemic forever but I will also remember that this moment had a huge impact on my mental health and purpose in life and my relationship with God.
“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” -Mark 1:35