You know the song “Somewhere Over The Rainbow bluebirds fly and the dreams that you dream of dreams really do come true.” (by Israel Kamakawio’ol). I always loved that version of the song. I had a lot of dreams growing up, which changed with time. When you’re younger you dream of a job; then you start dreaming of your life and how you think it will play out. I remember in high school especially my senior year many of the teachers had us fill out this form with general questions to get to know us then it ended with where do you see yourself in 10 years. I’m not to the 10 years yet but in 4 years it will be 10 years.
When I wrote what I imagined or dreamed my life would be 10 years ago I had good health and no major life events. I think I wrote the typical stuff. I wanted to graduate college to be a teacher, have a boyfriend/or be married, travel the world, I probably wrote something about golfing too. I had no idea a few years later all the dreams I had as a kid, and as I wrote down the dreams I had when I was 17/18 years old would come shattering down. It kind of happened all at once just like a glass vase accidentally slipping out of your hand and shattering all over the floor. It happened with no warning, you accidentally dropped it, but now that vase is completely unusable. That’s what happened to me but I wasn’t holding a glass vase I was holding my future and it shattered right in front of me.
When I hear “what do you dream of now” many things come to my mind. I can sum it up pretty quickly.
- I dream of getting a diagnosis
- I dream of being able to walk a mile without a walker
- I dream of the day I can live independently
- I dream of the day I can drive
- I dream of being in no pain
- I dream that when Dad died it was just a big nightmare
For me dreaming is hard. It hit me this week kind of out of nowhere. I wasn’t really sure what to blog about so I kept praying and this topic became important to me suddenly. It made me think about a lot of things. I dream to have my “regular” life back. I want to be what that 18 year old Abby had dreamed her life would be. My dreams had to get shifted. All those “old” dreams are all still dreams of mine, but for now they have to be on the back burner. My new dreams also have to be on the back burner. I know you must be thinking if I put all my dreams on the back burner what do I look forward to in the future? Well I kind of developed a new prescriptive that I didn’t really realize I had even adapted until this week. Having the dreams of what I wanted to be/ become was too hard on me. It kept reminding me of a life that was so far away from me right now. The “new” dreams were dragging me down too. My dreams were set high. I mean that’s what dreams are for right? No, I started realizing I had to let go of those dreams and that it’s okay to.
During a doctor appointment I think during 2017 my rheumatologist talked about “dreaming”. She said something about I know it’s what we all want, but you need to stop thinking about the day you can walk again. It wasn’t good for my mental health and was tearing my self worth/self confidence apart. I started focusing on small goals that could be attainable maybe. It became a little game of challenges almost. For example, I used to just blog about my chronic illness on a free blog site; but then one day I had a dream of starting a website and doing fashion as well. Was it a dream? Yeah. I worked hard and did a lot of research and asked lots of questions but I did it. I had a dream of hitting 1,000 followers on Instagram and I did it! I slowly kept having all these little dreams and slowly forgetting all my other big dreams. My self confidence has gone up and I’m not so hard on myself.
I live in the moment. My dreams are usually about dreaming of what I can do next month. More attainable and realistic.
Now don’t get me wrong, I want to be walking and get a diagnosis and getting my life back, but for now that dream is too hard for me. I think it’s okay to be scared to dream. You don’t have to dream about what you want your life to be in 5-10 years and set high expectations. However if that’s what you want go for it! I will cheer you on. If your dreams are weighing you down put them on the back burner and focus on a dream you could get done possibly in a month or 2. Then set another one, etc. This has helped me get through the days a lot. It’s something I can accomplish by myself.
I know one day a lot of these dreams will come true. I know some people don’t like to talk about it and that’s okay, but since my Dad has died I have a different perspective. This has became one of my favorite songs and such a good reminder.
“There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face.”
– There Will Be A Day by Jeremey Camp
I know one day I will get to see my dad and other friends and family again in a much better place. I will be able to run and walk and live pain free, but for now I enjoy all the moments I get to experience and all the little dreams I can dream of.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – Revelation 21:4 NIV