I had to face some of my “giants” in January. One of those big giants was my birthday. Take a trip down memory lane. Do you remember your birthdays in elementary school that were so exciting? It was exciting as a kid to celebrate you and let’s be honest, everyone loves opening presents as a kid, and having cake and ice cream! It was the best! Then the birthday parties started and that was just like the coolest thing ever- haha. Then, when you turned 13, it was like a big deal and then the big 16 came and went and 18 came and the exciting 21st birthday. Those were all great celebrations with lots of excitement. As you get “older” sometimes you don’t look forward to your birthday as much. I mean, you still look forward to the gatherings and the cake (at least I hope). You sometimes don’t like turning another year older, there can be several reasons why all of the sudden birthdays are not filled with the excitement like when we were younger. This birthday for me was hard. It wasn’t necessarily turning 23 it was more just thinking of the future and how much has happened in another year.
When you have a chronic illness birthdays are not as fun. It is just a huge reminder written on the walls telling you oh 2 years down with this and the rest of your life to go. This month I struggled a little bit with depression again but I am doing better. I kind of finally accepted that this isn’t going anywhere. It just really hit as my birthday was coming up I that I will be 23 and have the rest of my life to deal with this pain and everything else. I hope someday to ditch this wheelchair and scooter. I hope to get some of my independence back. The truth is hopefully someday my pain will lessen but it will never ever go away. This is chronic I won’t someday wake up and be healed. I try not to think about the future because it’s hard. When you have a birthday it kind of forces you to think about the future. How you are another year older and what will happen in this year? It’s hard when you turn another year older and you are just farther away from those dreams you set for yourself when you were younger in high school and had dreams for the future. I don’t want to completely let go of those dreams but each year it just seems more impossible. This month was definitely one of the rougher ones I have had in awhile. All the weather changes did not help at all.
I had a lot of reflecting to do this month which I don’t love haha 😒. The other “giants” I had to face were several doctor appointments this month. I had 6 doctor appointments this month. I met 3 new specialists while the others were check-ups. I absolutely dread when I meet with a new doctor. I have to talk about this illness and how much I have declined. They all say the same thing, you are so young and this is definitely more then fibromyalgia and you have a very severe case of Fibromyalgia. One said it was the worst he has ever seen and he deals with fibromyalgia patients. He said you definitely have more going on. I can however cross something off the “list”. The neurologist doesn’t believe this is any neurological disease which we (the doctors and I) were pretty certain of but wanted to get checked before my doctor sends papers up to Mayo, at least that is still the plan. I am finally getting help with migraines. I have been dealing with migraines for almost 10 years now. In the last 3 years they have gotten more severe. I told all my doctors but no one said anything so I figured it wasn’t that big of deal. Until I met this neurologist who is amazing by the way. (If you need a neurologist I would gladly give you his name). We are trying some medications to try and shorten them. I get 1-3 a week and they normally are severe meaning I get the auras before, I get pretty nauseous, my pupils dilate, my head hurts so bad. I normally have to be in a dark room and have to limit the TV or phone which is not really fun when you’re just kind of stuck. By the end of the day my head normally hurts pretty bad. I have daily headaches then on top of those I get these lovely migraines. I can’t say how happy I am to finally be getting help with them. He is also managing my POTS which is good. I finally got my sleep study scheduled after messing with it for a year. I also realized I had my first appointment with Dr. Gota at Cleveland Clinic a year ago. I can’t believe it has already been a year. I am thankful that she has so much knowledge about the Fibromyalgia and is trying to help with that. I will go back to her sometime this spring.
I am so glad I finally got to write a blog again. I like to write a blog on the days I don’t have to work because I don’t get as tired and can focus a bit better haha. This month when I went to write I either got hit with a bad migraine or was really busy and or resting because I was exhausted. Even though at times it wasn’t easy or fun, I did face my giants. You come out feeling just a little bit stronger because you faced your “giants” head on. I am looking forward to February because I get to do a few exciting things that I am looking forward to. I also don’t have any doctor appointments scheduled for right now in February YAY.
“The Lord is greater than the giants you face.” 1 John 4:4