Depression?

Depression to me seems like a ‘cuss word’ sometimes.  The reason I say this is because it’s a word no one seems to like to use or talk about (like you do with cuss words). The difference with depression though is that it shouldn’t be viewed as a cuss word, people shouldn’t be scared to bring it up or talk about it. It is a disease it shouldn’t be something we feel embarrassed or ashamed of. In fact, I completely forgot to even mention it in my first blog when I was going through my diagnoses. Why? Honestly, I am not sure. I think it’s something we don’t think about very often because society hardly talks about it. In fact, I clearly remember sitting in Dr.Gota’s office filling out all of the papers and on the depression one I scored high enough and was then diagnosed with moderate to severe depression with anxiety I remember looking at mom and saying depressed? I am not depressed I think I need to fill this out again. I was in complete denial that whole day and for awhile that I was depressed. Thankfully for me, Dr. Gota found a great medicine for it that I have responded very well too and now that I am out of that ‘depression state’ I can clearly look back and see I wasn’t myself. Now that I have had about 6 months to come to terms with that I am not in denial but I don’t like bringing it up. Why? Because I feel like I failed myself and I am letting this disease win.  Did you know that one of the most common complications from a chronic illness is depression? There are some days that I just cry because of everything I can’t do anymore. I can’t be left alone for a whole day, can’t drive, can’t walk very far at all, I can’t cut my food anymore, I can’t wash my hair (S/O to my mom who washes and brushes it for me), I don’t have unlimited energy, can’t get into a vehicle by myself, people had to build a ramp because I couldn’t walk into my house anymore, I have to have the wheelchair, and so much more. Someday I hope to be able to do at least some of that stuff by myself. I remember at one of my rheumatologist appointments last November when I just rapidly declined I had to say what was happening and I started crying it was the first time I had to admit it to someone else out loud that meant it was real. It was hard. I was reading a book about chronic pain and this quote couldn’t be truer she said ” I read somewhere that those with chronic pain and illness have to grieve the loss of two separate lives. I’ve had to grieve the loss of the person I once was and also grieve the future self that I assumed I’d have.” My world has been changed. I have a constant battle with myself of my expectation vs my reality. I am trying to get better at it. I try to have a positive attitude with all of this because honestly, it takes way more energy when I get upset and sad (I still have those days every now and then and I think that’s the way it will be and its normal). I try to be thankful for small things and focus on that. I think it’s okay to bring up depression because, in reality, I am sure at least 1 person you know battles this. It is something you can’t help and we shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed about it.  I also came across this quote on Pinterest. ” I think one of the worst parts of having a chronic illness is how it sometimes just breaks you. You can have several bad days in a row and handle it fine then one day you lose it because you’ve gone so long taking it that you eventually get to a point where you just can’t do it anymore. After a period of inconsolable grief, you pick yourself up and begin the cycle anew.” So incredibly true.

“When you go through deep waters I will be with you.” -Isaiah 43:2

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